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RedClause, August 13th, 2013, 5:29 am     Reply

This is how Lave flirts.

This first chapter is almost finished guys xux and I'm so happy it's turned out so well <3

For those of you that didn't know this first chapter was actually more like the pilot episode of my webcomic. Basically before the main plot and story starts I've been using these pages to work things out and see if any changes to paneling/character design and so on will be needed before I get to the meat and bones of everything. c8

so if you guys want to give feedback I'm all ears, just be aware I am always working on things like anatomy and page layout, you can still comment on these things of course but be aware that I'm aware improvement is always needed. c8

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melaredblu, August 13th, 2013, 4:46 pm     Reply

First off, loving the main character. I adore tough, snarky leading ladies. I think the panel composition in the middle with those smaller panels is confusing, though. I understand what's going on, but shoving it all into a corner makes it look like the zombie hand grabbing him is unimportant. Try to keep sudden, dramatic details like that prominent, not shuffled off to the side.

RedClause, August 14th, 2013, 4:34 am     Reply

@melaredblu: the smaller panels are to indicate faster pacing and split second actions. I'm still experimenting with layout formats so some pages in this chapter will be hit or miss, hopefully I'll have better know how this way.

thanks for the feedback c8

Ayemae, August 16th, 2013, 12:59 am     Reply

Please pardon my novella. :'D;
I agree with melaredblu; Lave is great! And from the tidbits I've seen on your dA, I get the feeling I'll like the other characters as well. I love the tone you've set so far. The humor is witty and effective, yet the world is grounded enough that there's room for drama. I get a bit of a 'Buffy' vibe from the tone/setting, which is a good thing in my book. XD

I think my main criticism is the layouts. On this particular page, panels 7, 8 and 9 are confusing because of how the eye is led: after reading "Not a chance in hell," on top of the white word balloon in panel 6, the next thing your eye wants to go to is blonde dude's eyes in panel 8 since they're also white and they stick out a lot more than the "GRAB" in the next panel. Once the reader realizes the mistake, they have to backtrack to panel 7, which breaks the immersion a bit. Page 20 confused me a bit as well, because of the black road partitioning the layout in odd places, of how the characters are positioned and because I confess, I don't know what that horse thing is or where it came from. :c

Let me expand on the character positioning, though: a really valuable tip I learned for this was that poses and layouts read best if they also read clearly in blacked out silhouette. Foreshortened poses may seem more dynamic in theory, but they're really inarticulate in practice.

All in all though, I'm really looking forward to reading more! Can't wait for the end of the chapter! :D

RedClause, August 16th, 2013, 6:38 am     Reply

@Ayemae: okay when two people say the layout doesn't work then there has to be a problem x0x I think I'm going to have to dramatically lesson the number of panels I place on one page. also (the horse thing is the keychain on Lave's sword) I'm not sure what black road is, do you mean the panel gutters?

anyway I'm glad you like Lave as a character c8 thanks for the feedback.

Ayemae, August 16th, 2013, 7:42 pm     Reply

@RedClause: No, not the panel gutters... on page 20, panel 4 (where Lave is kicking the zombie) is divided by something by something black. (I assumed it was some kind of paved road?) It splits the panel in half which I don't think was your intention.

I think the number of panels is actually okay! And you know that smaller panels = quicker pacing which is good. It's really just a matter of finding how to lead the eye around the page. For example, very light colors against darks are very attractive, and people's eyes will often go to such an area first.

I'm sitting here trying to write this but I feel like I'm doing a poor job without visual examples. XD; If you'd like, I could send you some PMs with diagrams/some work-arounds if you would find that helpful?

RedClause, August 17th, 2013, 5:27 am     Reply

@Ayemae: sure I'd be okay with that c8


Life's no cake walk in Persephone, but Lave Faraday has it worse than most. In a city where the undead are part of the night life and supernatural's the norm; Lave is expected to help keep the peace in this impossible city; or do hard jail time for past crimes. But when you have mafia vampires, necromancer frat boys, and zombie booze drinkers prowling the streets, one can't help but feel like a glorified; paranormal janitor. And Laves problems don't exactly improve when she finds herself protecting a young boy from a sinister force; and making enemies in all the right places.

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